All Songs Are Equal, But Some Songs Are More Equal Than Others

Starting a week after I wrote my pop hit limericks, the charts shifted dramatically. Most notably, "Somebody That I Used To Know" by Gotye finally fell out of the top ten after several months of consistently felicitous placement and Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" hit number one. As for the latter, how is it as a song? Eh, it's okay. Taylor Swift is hardly maturing out of her blindered teenage girl persona, but I never had any serious expectation that she would, and this song is basically just "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson but a little bit better.
However, I am inclined to be more charitable than usual toward it--anything that ousted Flo Rida's somewhat catchy but achingly stupid "Whistle" from the top slot was always going to start off in my good books. Far more interesting than the song itself is the fact that it debuted at #1. "Lights," "Some Nights," even "Call Me Maybe" had to claw their way up the charts to reach the top ten. Hell, even "Whistle" bided its time just outside of the top ten for weeks on end before finally breaking through.
This much, however, is obvious. Of course songs by more established artists will have less difficulty climbing the charts than those by relative nobodies. The fairness of this will inevitably vary from artist to artist, as some artists are well-established for a very good reason. But the flaws in the system manifest themselves in artists like Katy Perry, who suffered a drastic drop-off in quality and yet seemingly get a free top ten pass to this day.
And then there are aberrations like LMFAO, who have one decent hit in them ("Party Rock Anthem"), and consequently get a free pass for their next song, no matter how execrable ("Sexy and I Know It").
Is there a point to this? Not really. It isn't fair, true, but no one ever said it had to be. The charts, like the universe, are indifferent to notions of pleasure and happiness. They just do what they do.

Hit Song Review: "Wide Awake" by Katy Perry

            Katy Perry is, and has always been, incredibly lucky to be where she is. If nothing else, her story depressingly proves that a musician need not be fettered by lack of singing talent in their quest for the hit parade. Ms. Perry doesn’t strike me as particularly bright, nor particularly well-endowed vocally.

            That said, I have enjoyed a surprising number of her songs. “Hot n’ Cold,” “Teenage Dream,” and “Waking Up In Vegas” are all songs that, while decidedly not perfect, manage to find a nice balance between catchiness and actual songwriting merit. It’s a pity that they have to be sung by such a gasping, grating vocalist (illustrated below).

            She is also a decent lyricist (or co-lyricist, as I suspect is most often the case). Her verse is by no means revelatory, but by the dismal standards of pop music it might as well be Wordsworth.

            But enough about good music, let’s talk about “Wide Awake.” Katy Perry has been heading toward this for some time, ever since “E.T.” That song seemed to indicate that she had exhausted her store of hummable melodies, but at least it was weird enough not to be boring. Not so for “Part of Me,” a painfully tedious song with insultingly simple lyrics and a profoundly unmemorable tune. It’s not a terrible song, it just barely exists.

            “Wide Awake” is basically that, but a tiny bit more heartfelt (at least lyrically). Why did I waste most of this article talking about other Katy Perry songs? Because there is nothing interesting to say about “Wide Awake.” It is like an undiscovered planet, identifiable only by what surrounds it, conspicuous only in its absence.

Hit Song Review: "Good Time" by Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen

            In “Good Time,” Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen declare “we don’t even have to try,” and then proceed to prove it. Owl City are probably best-known for their hit single “Fireflies” from 2009, which was a decent (or at least pleasantly mellow) song. As for Carly Rae Jepsen, she is responsible for “Call Me Maybe,” an inoffensive puff of cotton candy mediocrity that the nation has apparently clutched to its easily-impressed bosom.

            But at least Carly Rae has the virtue of consistency. Like “Call Me Maybe,” “Good Time” is bright and catchy but indistinguishable from the legions of other bright and catchy songs on the market right now. Lyrically, the song is more or less “Glad You Came” but without the advantage of being buoyed up by an interesting arrangement. Into this mix Carly Rae intermittently injects a wailing “Whaoaoh.” Is it just me, or does it sound eerily familiar?

           Oh dear god, a second-rate pop act has ripped off Katy Perry—we have hit the unoriginality singularity.

            Let’s talk about plagiarism. In music, it is a necessity, the only question being who best to steal from. Say what you like of Andrew Lloyd Weber (and who doesn’t) but at least when he steals, he steals from great composers. Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen, on the other hand, decided to steal from Katy Perry’s least tolerable hit until “Part Of Me” hit the charts, but that’s for another day.

            So congratulations, Owl City, you’ve won first place in the great generic sweepstakes. Your prize is to get punched in the face so hard you’ll have to change your name to Ow City.

Pop Song Limericks 8/17/2012

Some poetry this week, a series of limericks about the current top ten songs on the Billboard Hot 100. Why? Who knows...

1. Whistle by Flo Rida

As subtle as sci-fi Jane Fonda,

Flo’s song has still proved a golconda.

And although it’s not earned,

It’s still nice that he’s learned

The art of the single entendre.

2. Lights by Ellie Goulding

A song without deafening drumming,

But that still leaves the listener humming?

Oh, never before

Has this yank been more

Glad to say, “the British are coming!”

3. Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

It’s had more than its share of success,

And yet stays in the charts nonetheless.

But you’ll find nothing’s there

But a wisp of hot air,

It seems we’re not hard to impress.

4. Wide Awake by Katy Perry

Though once she had hits in her hat,

These days it just tends to fall flat.

You could bear the buffoon

With a hummable tune,

Now she doesn’t even have that.

5. Payphone by Maroon 5 ft. Wiz Khalifa

Now, “Payphone,” inept as it is,

Has more whining than all of Les Mis,

And it all goes to pot

When we reach the guest spot,

An incongruous rap verse from Wiz.

6. Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye ft. Kimbra

In springtime it won all our hearts

With its mix of emotion and smarts.

It got played too much,

But it’s still great, as such

I’m happy it stays in the charts

7. Titanium by David Guetta ft. Sia

With music so thoroughly canned,

No surprise that it’s by Guetta’s hand.

But I’ll say this for it:

It’s been months since a hit

Has been quite so terribly bland.

8. Some Nights by fun.

Some thought fun.’s first hit was a gem,

But it was less flower than stem.

“Some Nights” is well-sung,

But unlike “We Are Young,”

This one sounds much more like them.

9. Home by Phillip Phillips

Now it’s been used as a theme

For the U.S.A. gymnastics team.

So the song’s won the day,

But the huge overplay

May dash Phillips’ Olympic dream.

10. Where Have You Been by Rihanna

Though in the past she’s been admired,

This hit leaves much to be desired.

Thing is, it’s no fun,

And you ask what they’ve done

To make her sound so uninspired.

Nonsense Lyrics, or How To Deny a California Girl

When I warn people to avoid writing lyrics that don’t make sense, most brush it off. We tend to assume that our internal sense of what does and does not make sense will hold steady through thick and through thin. But the rigors of perfect rhyming, correct emphasis placement, and syllable counting can play tricks on our common sense.

While it may seem unfair to place such an easy target in my cross hairs, I will use the example of Katy Perry’s “California Girls” (I omit the idiotic alternate spelling “gurls” deliberately). The beginning of the chorus’s first verse, “California girls, we’re unforgettable,” is unforgivably bland but can at least lay claim to the distinction of making sense. The same cannot be said for the second verse of the chorus, which sports the line “California girls, we’re undeniable,” a statement that is, to put it kindly, unintelligible. A fact can certainly be undeniable, a person can be undeniably something, but what the hell does it mean that a person is undeniable? That we are not able to deny their existence? Is this a trait specific to California girls?

That is not to say that musical theater lyricists are exempt from criticism. As Stephen Sondheim has pointed out in the past, Oscar Hammerstein’s lyrics are full of vaguely evocative but utterly mystifying lines like “when the skies are brighter canary yellow” or “like a lark who is learning to pray,” imagery more reminiscent of a particularly vivid acid trip than, say, a tropical beach or the Alps.

One of the major characteristics that distinguish lyrics from poetry is the constant burden of clarity. The ability to convey meaning is one of the pillars of lyric-writing, and so nonsensical lyrics not only confuse the audience but also betray their medium. And if ever your skies are a brighter canary yellow or you are struck with the desire to deny the existence of Katy Perry, call 911.

Scratch that. The second one is perfectly normal.