Hit Song Limericks, Week of 7/11/15

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1. See You Again by Wiz Khalifa feat. Charlie Puth

While I no longer find this one fun,
I'm glad that it's had a good run.
It's sweet and it's mild,
And behind "Young & Wild,"
It's the best thing Wiz has ever done.

2. Bad Blood by Taylor Swift feat. Kendrick Lamar

T. Swift is fine, as a rule,
But this is the dregs of that pool.
I think you can tell
It wouldn't do as well
If the video weren't so cool.

3. Cheerleader by OMI

It's a slightly clumsy metaphor,
But there's so much that I still adore.
With no beats to thump it,
Just a roving trumpet
To keep the thing sweet at its core.

4. Trap Queen by Fetty Wap

Fetty has much cause to rejoice,
As the people's unanimous choice.
Not bad for a guy
With weird tones and one eye
Who sings in Kevin Rowland's voice.

5. Shut Up And Dance by WALK THE MOON


Before, this song's jubilant shout
Would outweigh my niggling doubt,
But since many a day
Of intense overplay,
Its welcome is getting worn out.

6. Can't Feel My Face by The Weeknd


His last had orchestral pretense,
Of which this is glad to dispense.
Which can work a treat,
Though the central conceit
Just doesn't make a lick of damn sense.

7. Watch Me by Silento


There's nothing especially wrong,
And yet any listen's too long.
It's just a big blend
Of prior dance trends,
And, as such, is just barely a song.

8. Uptown Funk! by Mark Ronson feat. Bruno Mars

Next time I do this, it'll be gone,
But I'm very glad that it held on.
The cream rarely rises,
When someone devises
A track that's this carefully drawn.

9. Good For You by Selena Gomez


This song is what you would engender
Mixing Goulding and Lorde in a blender.
Too bland for romancing.
Too quiet for dancing,
Too overproduced to be tender.

10. Hey Mama by David Guetta feat. Nicki Minaj, Bebe Rexha, & Afrojack

It's hardly a new record-setta',
But it's still churlish to expect betta'.
Its Caribbean beat's
Such a genuine treat,
I can scarcely believe that it's Guetta.

Hit Song Limericks, Week of 2/14/15

#1 - Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars


As far as can be from a botch,
Bruno's belt now has a new notch.
The haters can hate,
This song is just great.
You don't believe me? Just watch.

#2 - Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran



He'd improved his musical scoring
Until his songs left spirits soaring.
With all that at hand,
I just don't understand
Why he would want to be this boring.

#3 - Take Me To Church by Hozier



Though for some it might be a yawn,
Any track that sounds like Elton John,
Is sonically rich
And makes shout-outs to Hitch
Will have me not just going, but gone.

#4 - Blank Space by Taylor Swift



The beat isn't sweet to the ears,
But it shows her own foibles and fears.
It isn't upbeat,
Or made for dancing feet,
But it might be her best song in years.

#5 - Sugar by Maroon 5
 

So, Maroon 5's latest endeavor
Turned out neither catchy nor clever.
Neither Adam Levine,
Nor his obnoxious whine
Hold any appeal whatsoever.

#6 - Lips Are Movin by Meghan Trainor



A song that's retro 50s slick,
With more rapping from a white chick.
Well, to be direct,
One must start to suspect
That this pony knows only one trick.

#7 - I'm Not The Only One by Sam Smith



Some retro soul stylings run through it,
But no pizzazz comes to renew it.
And with the reprise,
You come to realize
There really is not much else to it.

#8 - Jealous by Nick Jonas
 

From bright-eyed Disney Channel blusher
To wannabe R&B gusher,
It does start to cloy
To hear some white boy
Trying quite so hard to be Usher.

#9 - Blank Space by Taylor Swift


A few lightyears from self-aware,
TSwift trashes haters with flair,
And it's entertaining
Just how hard she's straining
To convince us that she doesn't care.

#10 - Centuries by Fall Out Boy
 

Though they're far above merely moronic,
Fall Out Boy's problems seem to be chronic.
Here they try to expand
The range of the band,
But it's overblown and histrionic.

All Songs Are Equal, But Some Songs Are More Equal Than Others

Starting a week after I wrote my pop hit limericks, the charts shifted dramatically. Most notably, "Somebody That I Used To Know" by Gotye finally fell out of the top ten after several months of consistently felicitous placement and Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" hit number one. As for the latter, how is it as a song? Eh, it's okay. Taylor Swift is hardly maturing out of her blindered teenage girl persona, but I never had any serious expectation that she would, and this song is basically just "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson but a little bit better.
However, I am inclined to be more charitable than usual toward it--anything that ousted Flo Rida's somewhat catchy but achingly stupid "Whistle" from the top slot was always going to start off in my good books. Far more interesting than the song itself is the fact that it debuted at #1. "Lights," "Some Nights," even "Call Me Maybe" had to claw their way up the charts to reach the top ten. Hell, even "Whistle" bided its time just outside of the top ten for weeks on end before finally breaking through.
This much, however, is obvious. Of course songs by more established artists will have less difficulty climbing the charts than those by relative nobodies. The fairness of this will inevitably vary from artist to artist, as some artists are well-established for a very good reason. But the flaws in the system manifest themselves in artists like Katy Perry, who suffered a drastic drop-off in quality and yet seemingly get a free top ten pass to this day.
And then there are aberrations like LMFAO, who have one decent hit in them ("Party Rock Anthem"), and consequently get a free pass for their next song, no matter how execrable ("Sexy and I Know It").
Is there a point to this? Not really. It isn't fair, true, but no one ever said it had to be. The charts, like the universe, are indifferent to notions of pleasure and happiness. They just do what they do.